How Sick am I

The freak in me:


Always slows down and looks at the wet bio hazard evidence locker in hopes of seeing something on her way into work every morning.

Has a never ending black head on her rib cage she talks too.

At least once a day starts a conversation with the phrase, "Wanna hear the most annoying sound ever?" And makes one only to amuse self.

Is angered by joggers, especially fat joggers that can run farther than I can. That's about everyone.

Always fixes the cat a snaky snack while watching Conan so she is not the only one who wakes up in the middle of night to eat. ("Huh? Kitty was hungry and woke me up mewing.")

Mentally cleans and rearranges other peoples kitchens. In the nude.

Brings in clumps of squirrel hair and hides in supervisors desk waiting for the day the guard dog does a sweep of our office. (Ha-ha! Lassie, Steve's hiding contraband- strip search him officer, he smells like rope!)

Once sneezed the biggest something out of nose and saved it to show family. Became very upset when cleaning lady threw thing out. Told CL when caught digging through trash I lost my contact.

Stoped testing the ketones in my urine samples (when diabetic) because the label said, "Do not use internally".

Has an impromptu speak written for when she wins "Iron Chef".

Challenges self to not shave to feel more exotically European. Grosses out small town mid west self and clogs drain. Tells husband it's his hair.

Saved every one of her kids baby teeth in an old prescription bottle. Later, swallowed teeth and still had a migraine

Inscribes every post with hidden love message for the Rock.

Spent the best part of an afternoon cleaning out a cabinet large enough to hold self. Contorted self into cupboard meant to hold a set of pots and pans. Instead of springing out to surprise husband, trapped self. ("Let me out. Please. I'll be good.")

Tells my teenager I wish he had never been born. I like eating for two.

Purposely mispronounces words such as jalapenos, Celtic, and fungi , just to see if any one is dorky enough to correct me. Then laughs at them if they do.

Has never told Hubby correct birthday. Chides him for getting it wrong.

Reads own blog. Is surprised when there is something new written.